Will it Always be Like This?

It happened again.  I thought I was over this whole thing.  I thought I had finally reached a point where these things wouldn't take over.

But it happened again.

I was watching a simple movie and I saw a face (more like an emotion) that set off a flashback.  It felt like I was there all over again. My brain sent image after image of his face with that look. It wouldn't stop, which meant my breathing got harder, my body started shaking, and the feelings of anxiousness, worry and fear took over.

Back in the States, I would have reached out to my community group for immediate prayer. I didn't have that option, so I was forced to get myself together and go somewhere I felt safe instead.

Here, that meant a walk outside.  When I stepped out, my breath started coming back to me and the images slowed down.  I walked in the dark for about a mile before I felt back to 'normal.'

As I started to process what had happened, I asked God WHY this happened again.  Why, at the most random moments, does this have to happen?  Why can't it just be done already?  How am I ever supposed to be open to a relationship when this still happens? Why can't my brain just get over it all?

Will it always be like this, God?

I was angry at myself for feeling this way. I started thinking that I must just be making all this up.  There is no way it's as bad as my mind keeps telling me, especially in these moments.  There are so many people who have gone through so much worse than this.  Women have gone through things I can't even imagine, yet they get on just fine. Why am I being so weak in this?

In that moment, I felt the Lord say one word to me: Worthy.

Really, God?  I just had another stupid and annoying flashback, and that's all you have for me?

As I started trying to think why He was choosing that word to speak to me, the story in John 11 came to my mind - the one where Mary runs to Jesus after Lazarus' has died.  Her heart is broken and she is angry and upset that Jesus didn't come sooner.  If he had only come sooner, she wouldn't have had to feel like this.  I can't help thinking she had to ask the question if Jesus truly cared for and loved her after all.  

When Jesus sees her and how hurt she is, along with the community, the Bible tells us something that is beyond beautiful in my eyes.  Jesus weeps.  

My Savior, who is the Son of God, who takes on all of my hardships and sin, who felt the Father turn His face from him on the cross - the one who took on death and defeated the grave.

That is the same Jesus who weeps with Mary.  He saw her pain and heartache, and I'm 100% sure he knew her questions and doubt.  Jesus didn't tell her to get over it or to look at and be thankful for all that she has.  He didn't tell her that people have gone through worse.  He didn't tell her to stop having a pity party. 

No, he met her in her sadness. 

He grieved with her. 

He felt the full weight of the emotions with her. 

In that moment as I was walking in the dark, I felt the Lord showing me a new part of His character. He was overwhelming me with the fact that even when these panic attacks happen, I'm still worthy. In fact, I am worthy to feel what I felt that night.  I am worthy to feel sadness.  I am worthy to feel broken.  I am worthy to feel afraid.  I am worthy to feel it all.  

Not because of what happened to cause all of this, but because I am a worthy daughter of a King, I can be unashamed of my feelings.  I don't have to hide them. I don't have to just get over it.  I don't have to push them aside.  I don't have to pretend.

I can rest in the arms of a Father who meets me in those moments of pain.  I can feel His beautiful arms around me, speaking truth into my heart amidst the lies of the enemy.  

So, I asked again if it would always be like this.  I didn't get a yes or no, but for the first time, I feel like it doesn't matter.  I'm still scared of those moments, especially when I think about it happening in the future with real people, not just movies.  Even if it continues to happen, I was shown that it doesn't matter because He has been there, and He will continue to be there with me through it all. 

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.  Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need." 

Hebrews 4:15-16