Hope

It's officially been over a week since I learnt about the loss of our little nugget.

Talk about a whirlwind of emotions.

I know grief and loss is like this though. Some days have had some great moments of peace and joy. Others have been dark and full of deep, deep sadness.

I went walking through Target yesterday to get some stuff for Levi.  I was hit with tears multiple times as I passed the maternity section I browsed just the week before. Or as I walked passed the monitors I had been researching. Or when I saw the 'Little Brother' and 'Little Sister' onesies.

Moments like that hit hard. I battled internally the fact that I'm not just grieving the loss of my child, but I'm also grieving the hopes and plans and future that I had envisioned.

Levi and this baby were going to be 20 months apart. I was beyond excited to have them so close together in age. I pictured them being best friends as they grew older, sharing interests in toys and shows and clothes and sports and friends and playing well together.

If Mark and I have another, that child and Levi will be pretty far apart in age now. I deal with feelings of mama guilt. Will Levi and this child get along? Will they wish they were closer? Will Levi not adjust as well when he/she comes? Will I forget what infancy and toddlerhood is like by the time another baby may come?

I've found some incredible devotionals in the Bible App this past week. It's been such a breath of fresh air to hear from other women who have been where I am now. In the midst of grief and heartache, yet fighting to worship Jesus in the same breath.

One of the things that has brought much comfort to me is having these women re-affirm the truth that this baby was just that - a baby. After my experience at the hospital, I felt so much heartache that people so easily wrote off the life that existed. Yet these women (that I have never met) spoke the truth that this was a child - it was a life inside me. I was that little ones mama - and I still am. Even if I never got to hold our second baby in my hands, he/she is my child and Mark and I are parents to two beautiful babies.

It's also been refreshing to my soul to read how this child never had to feel pain or sorrow or grief or a yearning for their eternal home. They won't have any tears that Jesus has to wipe away and store in his hands. My baby is experiencing pure LIFE and getting to worship God like he/she was created to do. My baby gets to experience what we all as Christians long for - fellowship with our Maker and fullness of Life that was intended.

Knowing that my baby is not hurting, that they are safe with Jesus awaiting the arrival of Mark, Levi and myself. One day, we can all be united in the biggest embrace ever.

That is the hope that I cling to when the hard moments hit. I cry as I think about the loss of our child, and I also cry with a heart of hope and thankfulness. Jesus has blessed us with two beautiful babies - and man that's a ridiculously incredible gift that we don't deserve.

Believing gets hard

When options are few

When I can't see how you're moving

I know that you're proving

You're the God that comes through

Oh but I know

That over the years,

I’ll look back on this moment

And see your hand on it

And know You were here