Abundance

My word for 2019 was abundance. From the outside, it would clearly seem that I have experienced abundance in positive ways - from the birth of our son, to paying off debts, home renovations, etc.

All those things are true and wonderful and have MORE than filled my heart with joy.


Yet at the same time, 2019 has been a year of abundance in some harder ways. I feel that God has challenged me every step of the way this year. Nothing has gone quite to plan, wounds I had no idea existed were brought to light, and I'm ending the year burnt out and, wait for it.......

angry at God.

Levi's birth was traumatic. Healing was (and still is) hard and painful and long-running. I learned that Postpartum PTSD is a thing, along with high levels of anxiety that kept me (and still do) from leaving the house or meeting up with people. My time with my husband is limited to about an hour a day during the week due to exhaustion and schedules.

One of the characteristics of God that I most treasure (for lack of a better word) is that He is the Ultimate Protector. It's because that's something I desire so much from Him that this year of abundance has led to me feeling forgotten, unworthy, and angry at Him.

Because of Levi's birth story, I didn't feel protected - at all.  I was so angry that God didn't just forget to protect me, but that He let my little one suffer as well. I can't look back at Levi's birth without shedding tears and feeling like I couldn't be there for my son in his most vulnerable moments.

Although my anxiety is much better than it was the first couple months, I still can't handle certain things - like Levi's cries. I had a panic attack on Christmas Eve as we left Mark's family's because Levi was crying in the back seat from being overstimulated and tired. All the while I'm feeling like a failure because I see moms everyday online being able to go out and do all these things and stay up late and break routines and just the THOUGHT of that sends me into a downward spiral.

I've had to endure comments being made about my parenting style and the boundaries in place, all the while I wonder if only I didn't have this trauma and anxiousness could I finally be respected?

Overall, this year has been an abundance of asking, 'Why, God?' I know my trials are trivial compared to what I've seen others going through and experiencing. Yet it doesn't mean that they aren't real and felt and powerful.

As Mark and I were talking the other night about what we want Levi to see modeled for him, my biggest thing (shocker) was honesty. I want him to know and see that his momma struggles every single day with her faith. That it isn't some shiny, perfect symbol - it's real, raw, vulnerable. He can talk to Jesus as a true Father and friend. He can be angry at God, and still love and believe in Him with all his little heart.

I guess this year has turned out to be an abundance of honest emotions. Along with my sense of health and control, the facade has just been stripped away.

In a year of abundance, I've been stripped down.

I know I am and will forever be a work in progress. I'll never understand everything or perfect anything this side of Heaven. But until then, I will keep pursuing Jesus in whatever way I can - even if it's just in teeny, tiny baby steps for this season.  One day I'll experience true abundance when I get to worship Jesus without pain, suffering, heartbreak, illness - just pure Joy and Adoration.

I pray with all my heart that Levi will be right there worshiping with Mark and I.