Grief

On Mother's day, I found out that Levi was going to be a big brother. Mark and I were over the moon excited. I remember journaling to God and just thanking him for giving the best gift ever on Mothers day of all days. I found out super early (not even 4 weeks). Mark's 30th birthday was coming up, so we decided to surprise family when we had a party for him.

I changed Levi into this super cute shirt announcing that he would be a Big Brother, and waited for others to see. Everyone was over the moon when they finally realized what Levi was wearing. I already felt sick as usual (I felt horrible with Levi until week 20).

Because of COVID, I wasn't scheduled for my first ultrasound until 12 weeks. Mark also wasn't allowed to come with me. It took forever for July 7th to finally arrive. I hadn't been feeling as sick the past week or two, and was nervous. I don't know if just realizing how much can go wrong in pregnancy finally hit or what - but I remember being filled with incredible fear that something was wrong.

On July 7th, I sat outside the car and listened to the song 'Peace' by Hillsong Young and Free. I took long breathes and remember saying that no matter what, my Father had me in His arms.

I sat on the table as a little baby form appeared on the monitor. The tech took a couple pictures, and then said that he/she was only measuring 8 weeks 5 days. I was confused as I was over 12 weeks at this point.  Then she pulled up another picture and said, 'See the red on the screen? That's the bloodflow in your uterus. As you can see, there isn't any in the baby. It looks like you miscarried.'

The image of that moment will forever be burnt in my heart.

My baby. Lifeless in my womb.
My baby. No blood flow.
My baby. No heartbeat.
My baby. My baby. My baby.

I had to tell Mark over the phone as I wept by myself in the room. I was taken the back way down to meet the Doctor. She walked in not knowing what had happened and was confused why I was so upset.

I had no bleeding. No cramping. Still felt unwell. She checked me and said it was clear my body hadn't yet realized that the life inside it was no more.

We talked options. I could go home and wait for my body to realize and labor on it's own. With having to care for Levi, she didn't recommend this. I'd basically be laboring spontaneously while trying to care for a 14 month old.

Instead I go into the hospital where they'll remove the baby while I'm out. I won't get to see my baby or bring him/her home to bury. Because with a D&C, they're basically taking apart my baby piece by piece. It's brutal. It's disgusting. It breaks my heart. I share this for many reasons. One being that I had to choose this option in order to care for my first and living son. I had to sacrifice what was right for me and this lifeless body inside of me for the priority of Levi.

I also share because this is what they do for abortions. Except those babies are breathing and have a heartbeat and feel pain. I in no way will ever judge someone for having an abortion. I don't think our system is set up in a way that we could finally make this illegal. We would need to support mothers, families, provide care, provide healthcare, etc. But still, this hurts the more I think about what is to come.

Mark and I wept together that night. We were so excited to welcome another world changer into our arms. We couldn't wait to be a family of four.

Now, we are grieving the loss of our baby. The loss of dreams and future plans. The knowledge that we'll never get to meet this baby this side of heaven.

I have had to blare worship music pretty much 24/7 to keep myself going. I don't want to be angry at God or let the enemy draw me away from Him. Death is a result of living in a sinful world. Death is not something that was intended - until we sinned and fell away from God. Death is a consequence of that.

So is pain and grief and mourning.

I know that this child had an incredible 8.5 weeks of life. They got to celebrate Mother's day with us. They welcomed Mark into his 30th year of life! I know they heard the screams of delight and excitement at their life. I know he/she heard the giggles (and screams) of Levi as well. I know he/she felt my warmth for 8.5 weeks.

I mourn the fact that I won't ever know him/her and all that they were created to be. Yet I'm reminded that God will always know my children better than I ever will as their true Father and Mother. Our children are just on loan to us - we're to shepherd them and fill them with the Truth of who Jesus is and what He did for us. Yet they will continue to always belong to Jesus.

In the same way that I belong to Jesus, and He knows me more than anyone.
In the same way that Mark belongs to Jesus, and He knows him more than anyone.

I had the doctor print the ultrasound pictures of Baby for us. I haven't looked at them yet as I'm not ready to process that yet. However, I will save them forever. Levi will know he had a brother or sister, but that they're with Jesus awaiting our arrival one day.

As I sit here typing this, I haven't gone into surgery yet. Baby Smiley is still inside me right now. I feel like my body has been holding him/her tightly the past four weeks. Even as life left him/her, my body needed to hold on. It needed to wrap him/her in warmth and love and care. I know that this little one was loved immensely, and will continue to be. He/She is a member of our family - no matter how old or how long they lived.

Every life has a purpose. That's something that Jesus has kept repeating to me these past 24 hours. Whether it's 100 years on this earth, or only 8.5 weeks. This child was sent to Mark and I and Levi for a reason. We will forever honor the life that was lived, and trust that Jesus is holding him/her tightly in heaven - until we're able to do so ourselves.

When I only see in part
I will prophesy Your promise
I believe You, God
'Cause You finish what You start
I will trust You in the process
I believe You