Mansion

As I've said before (and I'm sure I'll say again), music has always been a way for me to worship and connect with God, as well as try to explain certain things going on in my head. The other day, this song came on while I was at work, and I had to stop.

I started having flashbacks to when I first began counselling a year and a half ago. I was trying to explain to my counsellor these certain feelings I had, images in my mind of how I was able to separate different things. I had experiences and moments set aside in different places, and for the painful ones, I preferred to keep the door shut. We talked about it in the form of a box - I put the bad memories, the feelings of regret and shame all tucked nice and neatly in that box.

The thought of opening it was fearful. It had stayed locked away for so long - why open it if I could just keep it all pushed down? The fear of opening it had taken over. It's hard to think about opening that for others to see - that involves too much vulnerability and trust in someone else. After having that trust broken so often, I liked to keep myself distant on the inside (no matter what I led others to believe on the outside). The only person I felt I could trust was myself.

This song was able to put all that into words in ways that I couldn't ever verbalise. I spoke before about the power of our words internally. There's power in verbalising words as well, and I think this song does a spot on job for those of us who struggle to tell others what we're facing or what we've been through.

I know I'm not in the same place that I was a year and a half ago as I sat in that chair trying to process these things. God's grown me in amazing ways and has allowed me to open up to others, to begin to trust again, and to experience the fullness of life that He intends for me. The Holy Spirit is working mightly in my life after opening myself up to Him, and I'm so thankful God's shining light in what used to be dark places. Still, this song hit home for me, and has helped to grow and heal past scars even more.

If you don't like rap/hip hop, you might not like it - but I still think you should give it a listen! NF is a Christian rapper who was physically abused as a child and lost his mother to a drug overdose - all of his lyrics are pretty amazing...

"I know that shutting the world out ain't solving the problem

But I didn't build this house because I thought it would solve 'em

I build it because I thought that it would be safer in there

But it's not, I'm not the only thing that's living in here

Fear came to my house years ago I let 'em in

Maybe that's the problem

Cause I've been dealing with this ever since"

'Mansion', NF