Unchartered Territory
Last summer, I felt the Lord tell me that we were going on an adventure. He was leading me up a mountain, with no path planned out. All I could see was thorns and rocks and darkness.
Yet Jesus was there, with a smile on His face and an outstretched hand. How could I not be excited to go on an adventure, no matter how dark, when I could see the joy on His face?
Today, I'm wading through that dark, pathless forest. Or, more realistically, I've been wading through for the past several months - barely keeping one foot in front of the other, just trying to find that joy that radiated from Jesus' face.
I have the opportunity to be working through some really deep, hard things with counsellors and new friends here in Michigan. Let me just say that as thankful as I am for this opportunity, it sucks, too.
My head is exhausted.
I can't sleep well.
My brain can't keep up with all these thoughts.
There's so much being exposed and unearthed in my story.
To say it's intense is an understatement.
For the first time in my life, I can't hide. People see me.
They see my pain.
They see my struggles.
They see me trying every defence mechanism possible to avoid addressing things.
For the first time in my life, I'm free to not worry about holding others up - I can finally focus on myself and my own wounds.
And it's total uncharted territory for me.
Entering the old wounds hurts. For real y'all, it's painful, sad, hard, and just plain exhausting. I want to just rush past all this hurt and get to the place where I can say these wounds are healed!
God's word does promise healing. It does promise better days ahead. It does promise joy and freedom and love and LIFE. It does promise an incredible adventure.
However, it doesn't promise a quick fix. It doesn't promise that the road will be paved. It doesn't promise that life will not have trials.
"Then you will not become spiritually dull and indifferent.
Instead, you will follow the example of those who are going to inherit
God's promises because of their faith and endurance."
Hebrews 6:11-12
What the Spirit is teaching me in this season is that it's by faith and endurance that I will get the promise of His healing touch. I don't get to rush past the difficult parts of my story. I don't get to rush past the shame and heartache. Instead, I have to face it: head on.
Because it's only in facing our hurts and shame head on that we get to experience the joy of the adventure that He is calling us to.
We get to see that in our weakest moments, He is at work. In the fear we feel, in the sadness we cry out, in the pain of healing our wounds - we see His almighty Hand at work.
"One can't command, will, or teach shame away.
It must be entered and inhabited.
It must be accepted as the terrain we are called to walk.
We may wish the road was paved, but it's not.
We may wish we didn't have to pass
through briars and thick underbrush, but we do."
As I walk through this unchartered territory into some of the darkest wounds in my heart, I invite you to do the same. The easy thing to do is run away, to rush past the wound and cover it up.
But as Christians, we are called to endure that pain. We are called to look to Jesus and those He places in our path.
We must enter and inhabit our wound, knowing that Jesus is right there, with his hand held out, ready and willing to lead us to a place of TRUE healing.
One that can't be commanded, willed, or taught.
It's one that is simply freely given - if we just take hold of His outstretched hand.
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