Exhausted

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out?"

Yes.

Yes.

and....yes.

I don't even know how to properly explain the reason behind every yes, but my soul is without a doubt exhausted.

The past few months, I've addressed so much from my past - 

and wounds that I thought had been dealt with came roaring back.

My heart is in a million different places with desires and passions that the Lord has birthed in me - and for once, I have no clear direction on how to make it happen.

There are these dreams and visions He keeps showing me, yet they all seem like an impossibility. 

What makes it even more difficult? My brain knows that it can trust His Word. I can trust and believe and have faith that He will carry me through, heal my wounds, and bring to fruition these promises.

But my heart just doesn't feel it. 

As I was worshipping today, I was brutally honest with God and told Him that I would sing the words - but that they weren't going to touch my heart. I just feel too exhausted to TRULY praise Him.

Too exhausted from trying to make big decisions.  
Too exhausted from trying to be what everyone wants and needs.  
Too exhausted from trying to force fruit and relationships wherever I go.  
Too exhausted from the pressure to behave and do certain things as I serve overseas.  
Too exhausted from trying to fight sins that just keep roaring their ugly head. 

 I have no doubt that as you're reading this, there's something that you're exhausted from, too.

As worship continued, the Spirit moved. Not only did He make me cry (like ugly cry, yall...), but He made me go up in front of others. This combination is one of the most vulnerable places for me to be in. I'm sure there are a few people you could do this in front of - be truly open and vulnerable - I have a select few as well.

He hit my humility hard when I had to do that with people who are NOT in that inner circle. But in that step of faith, He moved. In that step to move forward, I chose to be obedient despite my feelings.

And He saw and honoured that. 

As I sit here now, I don't feel any less tired, exhausted, or worn out. I have no idea how He is going to handle these situations that contribute to this - but I do know that He is changing something - even if it's just me. 

That step of obedience to walk up to the front, to be ridiculously vulnerable, didn't happen overnight. It only happened after having spent these past four years in His presence, feeling His immense love and care for me, and knowing that He is trustworthy and faithful. 

Simple obedience wouldn't have made me step out - 

that's something that only LOVE could make me do. 

So friend, whatever it is that is making you exhausted and burnt out - can I just encourage you to be real with Him in that? Tell Him how tired you are. Tell Him how you're EXHAUSTED from whatever circumstances you are facing. Tell Him that you see no way the dreams He has given you will ever come to pass. Simply lay it all out there - don't hold back.

If He asks you to step out in vulnerability and humility, my prayer is that you would be obedient. Not because you 'have' to, but because you truly love Him.

'"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. 

Get away with me and you'll recover your life.  I'll show you how to take a real rest. 

Walk with me and work with me - watch how I do it. 

Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. 

I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.  Keep company with me 

and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

Matthew 11:28-30 MSG

All Sons and Daughters - Path of Sorrow