It's About Faith

One of the things I long to always do here is be honest: in both the good times and times when I am full of fear, doubt, and questions. This weekend has given me another opportunity to do just that. Sunday was hard for a few different reasons, but the biggest was in response to what happened the night before.


I was so excited to go out and celebrate with friends who had finally finished all their papers and dissertations at the local college (who doesn't want to celebrate no longer having to write papers and papers and papers?!).  It was going to be a great night out in my favorite little city, Doncaster.

Friends. Drinks. Dancing. Dressing Up.

What could possibly go wrong, right?!

My silly self is what went wrong....

I didn't even think about what going out into the bars and clubs might mean for me. I didn't think what it could trigger. I didn't think about the memories it would bring back. 

I simply didn't think.

As I've written about before, I get panic attacks at what I used to think were random times. I now know that they're just triggered from the past and I'm able to prepare myself a bit before. Saturday night, I was totally unprepared. 

Bars and clubs used to be my entire lifestyle. We'd spend a couple hours pregaming, finding the right outfit, dancing and singing to music, and drinking so we didn't have to spend as much when we went out {broke college kid style}. Half the nights I don't remember. The other half were spent holding people's hair back as they got sick, stumbling home in the dark without shoes on, and poor decisions with whatever guys we met.

But we were having fun - laughing and being absolutely silly.  Maybe it's because I was only thinking of that piece that I didn't prepare for what it would be like. 

Going out sober while everyone around you is intoxicated can either be awful or absolutely hilarious. It was the later for me for most of the night. Seeing men and women dancing and truly thinking they had the best dance moves ever (trust me, I've been there). 

As the night went on, people drank a bit more and the bars got more crowded. It wasn't until a random guy touched me inappropriately that it shifted.  From that point on, I wanted to shut down.  My mind went back to times in University and past relationships where inappropriate touches were deemed appropriate. Back to the times when I was too intoxicated to say no, and when I did, it was seen as a playful 'yes.'  

My heart was angry. My heart was hurt. My heart was overwhelmingly sad. 

I was angry at God for letting me be violated. I was angry that He wasn't protecting me.  I was angry that it affected me this much. 

Sunday was spent dwelling on that anger and hurt. I spent the day avoiding His presence and Word, and all I said to Him was 'How could you?' I slowly began to realise that my anger went deeper than just the events on Saturday night.  

 'Why? Why does my past have to be the way it was? Why did You let me experience these things?  Why didn't You protect me from it all? You're the God of the Universe - couldn't you find a less painful way to write my story?'

Yesterday was spent praying and seeking an answer to those things. I told God that I just needed to KNOW the purpose behind it.  If I knew the details in the purpose, maybe it would be OK. How often do we just say that if we could see the bigger purpose, see the reason behind the details and situations, that we would be OK with whatever hurt or pain or challenge we face?

As often happens, it was through a song that my Father answered me. It was through these lyrics that He showed me, yet again, that it's not about knowing all the whys, details, or reasoning's - it's about faith. 

We walk by that faith, not by sight. 

{"And my mind runs wild

To comprehend

What no mind on earth

could understand

Your ways are higher

Your thoughts are wilder."}

Although I still feel hurt and pain and sadness, I can push into His grace. Instead of listening to my doubts and fears and questions, I can quiet my mind and choose to listen to His Spirit. 

It doesn't mean that our past and testimonies don't hurt or leave scars (or panic attacks). It certainly doesn't mean it won't continue to affect us as we live this life. I think it simply shows us that we have a choice: 

We can get angry and think He doesn't want what's best for us.  That He has left us alone in the pain and consequences of sin in this world.

OR

We can choose to believe that He is beside us. He is here in the midst of our pain, joy, happiness, fear, and doubt.  

Instead of fixating on our anger and loneliness, we can fix our eyes on the One who is omnipotent, the Alpha and the Omega, and the Author and Perfecter of our Faith.

Choose to grasp and cling to your faith that defies logic,