Velveteen Rabbit Faith

Growing up, one of my favourite books was the Velveteen Rabbit. If you haven't read it, your childhood was not complete...thankfully, I'll share a brief synopsis with you to help overcome that trauma:

It's a story of a stuffed animal rabbit who just wants to be loved and cared for by his owner, a little boy. The rabbit gets forgotten amidst all the flashy, fun, new toys that the boy receives. The Velveteen Rabbit patiently sits waiting to be remembered, to be played with, to be loved.

One day, his chance comes! The boy's nurse brings him the Velveteen Rabbit to sleep with. The boy grows to cherish and love the Velveteen Rabbit - he becomes shabby and 'less stuffed' but he is happy! At this point, the Velveteen Rabbit thinks he is Real ('alive, breathing, and loved' kind of Real).

And who can blame the Velveteen Rabbit for thinking this?! He has everything he could possibly want or desire in life. His days are filled with joy, playfulness and this sweet, simple life with the boy. 

But then the boy gets sick with scarlet fever. The Velveteen Rabbit is gathered up with everything else to be put in the rubbish where he will be burned: forever forgotten. In the blink of an eye, the Velveteen Rabbit's life changes. No longer is he filled with joy and surrounded by love and care. Now, he sits in the rubbish pile with other used, worn out things infected with sickness. In an instant, he will be tossed into the fire, turned into ash, and gone forever.

So what's the point? What is the purpose in this story?

It's that my faith is like that Velveteen Rabbit. 

My faith has always been relatively simple. Sure, it's been tested and tried and gone through rough patches. It's got its own shabbiness from my past. Yet it's been simple. and pure. and safe.

But this past week, my own version of scarlet fever hit - and I've wanted to just throw that simple, shabby faith away. Anything that was touched by that sickness, I wanted to burn it all.

I felt as if God wasn't there. I felt like He was enjoying watching me trip and stumble and fall. I thought He had left me to my own devices, to fight off these nightmares and feelings all on my own. I felt like He was calling me to hope again, and just like that, He was crushing it in His hands.

I didn't want to pray - which isn't me at all. The last thing I wanted to do was lift up prayer requests before a God who delighted in my suffering. We had worship at a training event yesterday, and I didn't open my mouth. My brain was literally thinking, "This is all so fake. Do they not understand that God doesn't really care? That He isn't trustworthy like they're singing?"

I got home, shut every curtain in my room, and sought to distract myself with Netflix. I kept feeling Him calling to me - to go outside and just be. I pushed Him off, ignored it as much as I could, and tried to distract myself.

Finally, I gave in to His persistence when He kept showing me a picture of me sitting out at a spot here where I've been in His presence before. I angrily put my shoes on, got a jacket, and stomped my way to the tree.

I sat down and said, "What do you want? What else could you possibly want from me? I've given you everything and it's not enough. I've followed you, been obedient, and laid my heart and trust in your hands.  You crush it continuously. You call yourself faithful? Trustworthy? Steadfast? My Protector? I can't even call you Father - that's the last thing you feel like."

My own version of scarlet fever was pouring out in every word that came out of my mouth. Like the Velveteen Rabbit, my faith was hopeless. My faith wasn't full of love or care or joy. The only thing I wanted to do was just burn it up - let it return to dust and find some other toy to play with.

In the midst of the Velveteen Rabbit's hopeless future, he sheds a tear. That single tear changes the whole story. His tear turns into a flower, which grows into a magical fairy. The fairy comforts the Velveteen Rabbit and tells him that his tear signifies he is Real. Because he is shabby and old and Real, she says she will make him Real to everyone now. In an instant, the stuffed Velveteen Rabbit becomes a real, live bunny rabbit. He hops on his hind legs, has air in his lungs, and is able to join the other real rabbits.

As I sat on that tree, filled with anger and disappointment, my own tear fell. First, it was just one, and then they wouldn't stop. I could feel those tears releasing all of my hurt. all of my doubts. all of my anger. all of my disappointment. all my dreams.

And I heard the Father say, 

"Finally...let it go."

In those moments, He became my Father again. Those tears produced my own comforter – not as a silly magical fairy, but in the real, powerful Holy Spirit. 

In those moments, I felt my faith became Real. 

No longer was it a simple, lightly tested faith. It wasn't just riding along, enjoying the joys of being a Christian. It wasn't just blindly surrendering.

My faith has seen the darkness. My faith has felt more deeply what it is like to feel abandoned and alone. My faith has seen hurt and felt fear to the very core. But it is still there. It’s still beating in my heart and soul. "For we live by faith, not by sight," has a new meaning. 

Like the Velveteen Rabbit, my faith is Real. I can feel it's stronger. I can feel the resilience has grown. I can feel that His purpose in it all was to make me stronger. He wants me to be a warrior and fighter for Him. I can't do that walking blindly. He has given me strength and beautiful battle scars. 

It's because of these scars that I can now relate to others better. I can mean it when I say I understand. I can mean it when I say following Jesus isn't easy. I know what it feels like to surrender your dreams and hopes, to feel abandoned, to feel fearful to shut your eyes at night. 

But I also know that He is worth it all. 

Following Him isn't easy. It's not always pretty flowers and joy-filled singing and worship. When you give your life to Him, it doesn't mean you get what you want or hope for. It means you get HIM. And I've realised that's enough. It's truly enough. 

So what's your faith like? Is it like the shabby, old Velveteen Rabbit who was happy simply being loved and cared for? Do you feel like it's sitting in the rubbish bin, just about to be burned away? Or is it tested and Real?

Wherever your faith is, I can say this with full assurance: God wants more for you. He wants you to experience the Real kind of faith that gives you strong hind legs to bound around in the fields of this life. So let it go. Let the tears come, whatever that looks like for you, so He can send His power-filled Spirit to transform your faith. 

"Don't let these waves wash away your hopes
This war ship is sinking and I still believe in anchors"