I Want to Run

I want to run. 

I'm ready to admit this is too much.

My heart is shouting at me to prepare an exit strategy.

The other half of my mind is trying to be encouraging. There's a small voice in my heart that says I can do this. There's a piece of me that is excited to be able to be tested like this. A piece of me wants to stay and fight.

But it feels so small right now.

Things seem to be coming at me from angles that are telling me it'd be so much easier to just go back to the States. I keep hearing myself say that if I leave now, it won't be as hard to say goodbye to the people, church, and great friends I've already made. If I stay, I'll just be making it worse.

*Work here isn't what I thought it would be. I can't seem to connect my God-given 

passion into it like I thought I would.

*Spiritual warfare is real, and it's hard, and tiring,

and scary. I didn't consider that

aspect at all, especially in England.

*I'm being challenged to open up and be real and honest and vulnerable with people 

I've only known 6 months. It's bringing up a lot from my past 

that I just want to keep buried.

*Church is challenging because it's so different than what I had in the States. I am 

forced to really think about theology and why I have the beliefs I do - 

and what HIS word says about it. 

*Time zones keep me from staying in touch with friends and family who I miss so much.

 It's hard to make plans to catch up because my schedule is so inconsistent. I 

miss being involved in the normal, every day things. 

Right now, these things seem to be too much. I feel this pull to have some sense of normality in my life, and the only 'normal' I know is back in Carolina. I can get a job, remove financial stress, go back to my church routine, be with friends and family, easily access my doctor for health things, and just lead a normal life.

But by God's great grace, I don't think I'm called to a normal life. I don't think I was created for what this world sees as normal, no matter how much my mind says that I crave it. 

When I reflect on all that God's done not just over these six months, but in my walk as a believer these past 3.5 years, I know that His purpose and plan for me is BIG - greater than anything I can imagine.

That's not said in a conceited or arrogant way. It's coming from a true posture of awe and wonder- because I know that it's only His power that has gotten me this far, and it will only be in His power that I can do anything for His kingdom. 

These past six months, God has:

* taught me I can survive on my own, that my identity is as His child - not a sister, or aunt, or daughter, or friend. 

*  made me fall in love with the culture here in England, and grown my heart to just passionately love the people. I want to see them worship and surrender their life to Jesus more than I could have ever imagined. 

* let me get involved with foster care on a more personal, real-life level. He's surrounded me with people passionate about the Church's call to care for orphans. 

* given me the opportunity to use my past life of drinking, sex, and club culture to be able to relate to and care for people in this city through Street Pastors, as well as fostering. 

* graciously allowed me to see the gift of the Holy Spirit and all the freedom that comes from him. He has provided people to help nurture this gift He has lovingly given me. 

* provided opportunities to travel to see what brothers and sisters are doing all over the world for His kingdom; and it's truly amazing.

* shown me that I am a warrior. Despite the lies I believe so easily, He is showing me that there is a strength inside me that has been held down too long. 

This list could go on and on...

It's when I look back on these things that I realize the life I live isn't for me and my comfort. My life isn't normal, and I don't want it to ever be normal. When I crave comfort and a sense of peace, He is graciously showing me that I can't find it in circumstances. I can't find it in people. I can't find it in myself.

When I crave comfort and peace, release from anxiety and worry, a sense of being grounded and rooted - there is only one place I can go:

It's on my knees, communing with God, praying for comfort from the Spirit, and trusting in Calvary because of Jesus Christ. 

So, I'm not going to run - I'm going to stand and fight.

I'm not going to admit this is too much - I'm going to press into Him for strength.

I'm not going to prepare an exit strategy - I'm going to trust HIS strategy.