I Could Have Written That...

This is a post that I wasn't sure I would ever publish.  After some time thinking and praying over it, I just felt encouraged to share this piece of the story God's written for me. If it touches just one person, just one man or woman, it's all worth it.

It deals with pornography and some of the effects that can have and lead to, whether individually or in a relationship. Did you know that love is the most common word used in porn comments? In light of Valentine's day, I wanted to share something I've learned in regards to the kind of love society sells us versus the ultimate, most amazing love you'll ever experience.

Without any more delay...here's the most open, honest, and vulnerable post I've yet to make :) 

I read a story today - one that hit too close to home.  It felt too real.  Too raw.  Too much like my own.

I could have written those words.  

I could have shared those details. 

I could have written it all because I experienced it all, too.  Before reading more, please check out the original story here.  

It's not something I found on my own while looking on someone's computer.  Sometimes, it was just the actions and stories from the other person - outright claiming to watch porn and thinking how cool it made them.  For others, I was right there - it wasn't hidden from me, but it was in plain sight - TV, movies, computers, etc.

This all happened before the Lord saved me, but the effects are something that I still struggle with every single day.  It's something that I take to the Lord often, whether in prayers or tears (or both). God is at work in the midst of it all - yet I battle the feelings of shame, regret, of being dirty, unworthy, and feeling broken so often.

That's why this story hit home for me.  It's why I literally felt like I was in her shoes, writing her words, feeling her emotions.

One of the biggest issues I have with porn is that it teaches boys and girls, men and women, that people aren't worthy of love.  People are a means to get pleasure - used to give you exactly what you want, and then you can just move on.  It teaches that the people on the screen aren't real people; it's just like any other movie that you watch or see in a theater.

As the article said, porn teaches more than just this.  It teaches that ..."disrespect, domination, degradation, abuse and selfishness were acceptable, even desirable." The words 'No' lose their meaning.  I hear phrases tossed around like, "No means yes." The majority of these thoughts stem from the kind of porn that is infiltrating tv, books (*50 shades*), movies, etc.

It also teaches things to those of us living with people or in relationships with those who regularly look at porn.  It teaches that we aren't enough.  It teaches that we are the weird one for NOT watching it.  It teaches us that we can't please this person on our own.  It teaches us that we can't say no, at least out loud.

"The people in the magazines and movies all like it - even when they say no, they still like it."

"Don't be a prude."

"I just can't help it.  You make me want to do those things."

"Come on - I love you.  Do it for me."

"You're my boyfriend/girlfriend.  This is what people in relationships do."

And you go along with it because it's easier to lie and tell yourself that all of those are true.  You reason yourself down to think that you are just overreacting.  You have to normalize it to get through it.

So you learn to stop saying no.  You stop resisting.  You turn your mind off. 

"You're doing this to make him/her happy. Don't be selfish."

"You can't tell your boyfriend/girlfriend no.  That's not how relationships work."

"People do this all the time....right?"

Eventually you learn to live with it all.  You accept it as normal and go along with it because society tells us it's ok.  Society tells us that porn is fun, harmless, exciting, cool.  We ignore the side effects as a culture because it reveals the truth about porn.  If we look at the reality of porn too much, we learn about the real women and people in the movies and pictures.  We begin to hear their stories of rape, torture, abuse, addictions, broken families, manipulation, control.  

We don't want to face these truths.  It's easier as a society to just push those to the side so we can continue living in a fantasy world where our pleasure is king.  It's easier to ignore the dark, broken, and lonely heart that's inside - beating and yearning for something more to satisfy.

Deep down, we know that we are broken.  We cover it up on our own, and then we seek other things to cover it more if our efforts start waning: relationships, pornography, false religions.  

If you're feeling Broken. Lonely. Unloved. Worthless. Dirty.

there is hope for you...

It's not found in pornography.  It's not found at the bottom of another drink.  It's not found in your own effort at washing yourself clean.

Hope is only found at the foot of a cross, where your Father displayed true love.  He displayed sacrificial, real love for YOU.   He knew your heart was dark and deceitful.  He knew that you would look to other things to satisfy.

So he sent His son to die on a cross, to pay for all of your sins - including your time spent with pornography.  All you have to do is simply believe in His love, believe in His son Jesus Christ and you will finally be washed

as white as snow.

Despite my past and the feelings that wash over me sometimes, one thing I know is true:  Jesus paid the debt for my sin, he loves me more than I could ever imagine, and he has redeemed every piece of my story.  When the feelings of worthlessness come crawling back in, I'm learning to run to the Lord. When the feelings of being dirty and unclean come to my mind, I seek out truth in the Word.

I'm not promising you won't struggle through things in your past.  I'm just promising that God has already won the war, and will be by your side to work through every single lie and fear that the enemy throws at you.  

You are not too far gone.  

You haven't done too much.

You are not too dirty for Jesus' blood. 

You are not unworthy of the power of the gospel.