God of Miracles

On July 28th, I sat in the ER receiving a second round of morphine and finally starting to feel some relief. I had been in pain all week...the kind where it hurt to sit, stand, walk - and trying to pee was pretty impossible, y'all. I had another cyst burst, but this was worse than I had ever experienced. July 28th was supposed to be my last day on the pill, but as I sat on that bed, I just didn't see the point. My follow up visit the next week only confirmed that - the doctor said it'd only get worse off the pill, and that I'd want to set something up with a fertility specialist.

Little did I know, God had other plans. 

What seemed like a truly dark time in our life, God was about to make it into a "Red Sea" kind of moment.

On September 11th, I sat at work feeling like true death. I had been nauseous for a few days, the smells from the cafeteria were killing me, and even Mark's chapstick (which is supposedly 'unscented'...insert rolling eye emoji y'all) smelled like poo.

I got a pregnancy test over my lunch break, just to convince myself I needed to go to the doctor. I sat at my cubicle waiting for those two minutes to pass, and then I saw this...

I can honestly say I didn't think this was ever going to be possible, or close to easy. I was told by doctors of different kinds that it was a slim chance. I was told I'd need to look into fertility treatments. I had already grieved and processed it all before I met Mark - my heart had fallen in love with adoption and all that symbolized for my own journey with Jesus.

When I met Mark and started sharing this with him, I realized he would have to grieve it too. Yet if anyone knows Mark or has met him for even a couple minutes, they'll know that he had more than enough hope for the both of us. He never doubted that we serve a God who makes mountains move - and would do the same for us.

They calculate the due date based on the start of your last period, which was August 1st for me.

Four days after sitting in the ER bed.

Two days after being told I needed to look into fertility treatment.

While we were grieving and processing and focusing on treating this pain - God was on the move.

When thinking of what to write and how to express our true joy over this moment, I couldn't help but just remember all those who are struggling with their own infertility - or are in some other dark and desperate place. I have friends who have been trying for years, and each new baby announcement hits them harder and deeper. I know people who have lost so much this year, and can't help but think that things like this remind them of that loss.

So I share this news with bittersweet feelings. But I share it anyways...because I can honestly say that we understand what you're going through. I can honestly say that in the darkest, most painful moment this year when I had lost all hope - God had not.

Even when we are faithless, He remains faithful.

Even when we lose our hope, he remains hopeful.

Even when we see nothing but darkness, God is still full of light.

So your story may not have the miracle that ours does right now, and I won't pretend that it will. I just pray that you never forget that He is truly a God of miracles. 

He knows you. He sees you. 

There isn't one ounce of pain or heartache that you've felt that God hasn't felt too.

You are not alone. 

You never have been, and you never will be.

This was the song Mark and I chose to sing at our wedding. On one hand, it seems strange to sing about desperation and needing a miracle on such a joyous day. Yet it's become a theme song for Mark and I's relationship from the start - one where no matter what we see or feel, God will come and rescue us.