Transitions

It's been 4.5 months since I posted on here. So much has happened, from extreme joys to true hurt. I've felt pulled to just sit down and write more times than I can count. I don't really have a good reason as to why I didn't.

It wasn't until I received an email from a dear friend that I realized it was actually out of a place of fear and insecurity that I chose to do anything but sit down and put into words what's been happening in my life. This past year has brought about more change than I ever could imagine. I'm still in a process of grieving having to leave the field, yet also rejoicing that the Lord brought me back here so I could meet my forever best friend.

There are days when my heart's so restless at the thought of building a permanent life...roots...in Richmond. I feel like my heart was made to fly, as cheesy as that sounds. I'm more comfortable in different cultures and different cities. My heart's never more inspired than when it gets to see something new that the Lord created - whether it's in nature or people or cultures or languages. It truly gives me life and energy.

Yet there are also days when I want nothing more than to build the deepest roots possible here. I love our church and the family we have found in them. It's so precious to be close to our nieces and nephews as they grow up. I love knowing that our future kids will be surrounded and mentored by the most amazing girls and boys at our church.

 

As much as my heart likes to roam,

it loves to nest, too.

I want a passport full of stamps,

and a home to rest my head in each night.

Before being married, I could do whatever I wanted. When the itch came to go somewhere new or visit some other place on a spur of the moment, I just did it. I could hang out with my girlfriends at the drop of a text. I could spend and save money how I saw fit. I was able to decorate my space in a way that gave me the most peace.

As all you married folk out there know, it's just not the same anymore. I think I've struggled with this more than I realized until this morning. It's hard to describe because I don't want anyone to think for a millisecond that I would ever want to be single again. The thought of not having Mark in my life would crush me...that alone is another big change for a girl who preached being an independent woman ;)

I guess all I'm trying to say is that these past few months, and last year of moving back to the States is still hard. I didn't want to share any of that as I was fearful of how others would take that...fearful of how people have already taken it. This blog started as a way for me to document life overseas - from my time in Fiji over four years ago, to raising support, all the lessons in England, and transitioning back to the States.


My identity used to be the single, free-spirited missions minded girl. I loved being that girl...but I'm even more excited to be a married, free-spirited woman. My mission field is no longer overseas. My mission field is first and foremost to my amazing husband and our family. I don't think I've ever learned so much about God's love as I have these past several months with Mark. I also don't feel like I've ever touched someone's life as much as I have Mark's.

And that truth sets my heart aflutter in ways this world just simply can't.

 

We all hold different roles and identities in the span of our lifetime (sometimes multiples at a time..), and it's ok when those roles change. It's ok to grieve your old roles, and simultaneously be excited and overjoyed for your new one.

 

I'm slowly learning to thank the Lord for all of the feels :)