Love One Another

In the past two weeks, I've been asked over and over how 'married life' is, if Mark and I are still in love, if finally living together is the greatest thing ever, etc.

Married life is beautiful, I love Mark deeper with each passing day, and living together truly is the greatest. I see God's grace and mercy and love in new ways each time we learn just a bit more about each other.

But His grace and mercy isn't the biggest thing God's been showing me through Mark - it's actually my selfishness that's being exposed.

Mark and I talked so much about the reality that marriage is work and love is a choice. Neither of these truths really get talked about much before heading to the altar. When things get hard, when the 'spark' isn't there any more, when your happiness is fading - people choose to give up, to walk out, to call in the lawyers and get a divorce. 

I can't tell you the number of times I've heard stories of this from friends and family, both Christians and non-Christians. I've experienced it personally as well, which, by God's grace, I can see now prepared me for the hard reality that marriage and love isn't rainbows and butterflies. 

But being prepared and expecting the hard times doesn't make it easier. I'm learning that despite my heart's desire to love and serve and give and set people free - my actions and words are quite selfish. I want what I want, how I want it, and when I want it. 

I make decisions on what seems like perfect logic, and get confused when it's challenged. I prepare these plans in advance based on things I desire in the future. I make sarcastic comments that I have always thought helped lighten the mood for others. 

None of these things seem or come off as inherently wrong. My heart's desire is that I've pre-thought through what could happen, and made a plan accordingly so Mark didn't have to worry about it. My heart's desire is to have our family be free to give and support God's work and have a home where people (including future little Smiley's) can feel safe and protected. My heart's desire is to make others comfortable and feel included through joy and laughter.

But the truth is that I'll elevate my own desires, dreams, and 'good intentions' above the way they may make my husband feel. I'll find excuses for the actions because my heart's desire is, in all reality, GOOD. Yet my delivery simply doesn't work for Mark because of his own life story and experiences. 

God's graciously opening my eyes to see that, believe it or not, I'm not perfect. I have flaws. I have selfish desires. I sin against those I truly love. I fight against wanting to change my actions due to my own story and past.

Yet isn't this why Jesus came? Isn't our sin and selfishness and wandering hearts the reason Jesus laid His life down? When His blood poured out on that cross, it wasn't just for the 'big' sins that are easy for all to see....no, it covered ALL of it. 

All of our selfishness, 

the times we choose to let our desires overshadow others, 

the moments when we let fear control our decisions, 

when we put our own 'joy' above those we love,

all the times we raise our voices to speak louder than others....

It's all covered, friends. What peace this Truth brings to my heart. It allows me to forgive not just myself, but others as well. It frees me to extend His grace to areas of my heart that I didn't realize hadn't received it. 

To put it simply, His love allows us to love. Jesus didn't have to go to that cross....yet He made the choice because of the joy and love and desire for relationship with us. 

And that's my deepest heart's desire - to love like Jesus. To choose my husband, my family, my church, my friends, and this world over myself.

My prayer for you, sweet friend, is that you'd let His love be a guiding light and example for how to love this world that's more desperate than ever for REAL, selfless love.