Five Years In...

Five years.

That's how long it's been since my life was dramatically changed when I encountered the fierce love and grace of Jesus. As I've been thinking through what all that means, I wanted to share the truth that He's been hammering home recently.

It wasn't until I listened to my church's sermon message on labels that I realised exactly what that was.

At the beginning of his message, my pastor asked us to write down three labels that we would use to describe ourself if no one else was going to see them. I'm going to be bold and share those here, mainly because readers like you have sent the most encouraging messages about how my honesty has let His light shine into your own heart.

Words can't thank you enough for how much that means to my soul...

So, with that being said, these are the top labels that were put on me from a young age: Easy. Voiceless. Weak. They're words that have been spoken over me for years...and I wore them deep in my core.

Five years ago, I was at the end of my rope. Never had I felt more weak and worthless and insecure. Yet isn't it beautiful that it's in this absolute brokenness where God's love reached in and began lifting me up? 

This past five years has been a journey to say the least. My life changed radically, I gave up old ways of living, didn't kiss anyone for a year and a half (something easy, voiceless and weak Allison hadn't done since she was fourteen...), and had a lot of behaviour modifications....

With a heart on fire for Jesus, I moved overseas in order to share His love with this beautiful world. I say now that it took God taking me out of the States to show me that behviour changes aren't what He is after - He is after something much, much deeper than that.

While in England, I was pressed on every side.
Stressors were constant. Needs were overwhelming.
Inadequacy became evident minute by minute. 

Depression and anxiety were constant companions. 

I was surrounded by triggers and panic attacks happened more frequently.

Sheer willpower to fight the 'old Allison' behaviours just wasn't cutting it anymore. I began to fall deeper into 'voicelessness.' I said yes to everything even if my insides screamed no. I didn't stand up for myself and neglected boundaries. I numbed the pain through alcohol and found value and worth in other's arms...

A little over six months ago, I found myself in a place so similar to that night five year's ago: weak, worthless, and insecure.

Yet again, God was moving to rescue me from that pit...I just couldn't see it at the time.

It's taken six months of INTENSE counselling and therapy, 

six months of learning to be vulnerable and honest with others, 

six months of unearthing the lies and labels that were placed on me, 

six months of letting others care for me for once, 

six months of sobriety - 

six months of intense tears, heartache, searching, pleading, and crying out passionately to the Lord - 

to get to a place where I can stand firm and say that I am:

Powerful

Strong

Beloved

Although this has been the hardest year for my faith so far, I wouldn't change it for anything. He's taught me so much more of His character. I'm learning how relentless He is, how He pursues me no matter what, that He is steadfast in His love towards me, and that He is the best Husband, Protector, and Lover of my soul...

So as I reflect on these past five years, I can honestly say that I am thankful for the pain. I'm thankful for the journey that He has me on. I'm overwhelmed with this feeling of being SO valuable that He takes the time to grow me. He doesn't leave me where I am - He loves me TOO much to do that.

By His grace, I know I will face many more hardships in my life; and I could never be more thankful to get to go on this adventure with the one in whom my soul finds its true label of BELOVED daughter.

"Do you know you’re a queen?

The offspring of a king

So you are royalty baby

You are royalty"