Wrestling Match for Joy

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak.  When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."" Genesis 32

Father,

I feel like we've wrestled.  I feel like these past few months, I've been wanting to just let go. To let go without your blessing. I've been fighting and struggling...just trying to hold on...not seeing the point of fighting any longer - no matter the thought of your blessing.

Your blessing just didn't seem valuable anymore.

Like Jacob, you broke me in my own sinew - my hip socket. You touched the place of strength in me and it absolutely fell apart. I had no more strength. In our battle, you could have easily left at this point.

To be fair, you could have crushed me at any point.

Yet you chose to wrestle with me - to fight back and struggle with me in all my desires:

for independence, for joy, for earthly pleasures, for the right to keep 

this wall of protection around my heart.

When you broke my hip, I knew I would have given up on my own. The pain was simply too much. I had no real reason to keep fighting for the blessing that seemed like simply a dream.

"the secret to joy is to keep seeking God where we doubt He is."

1000 Gifts, Ann Voskamp

It wasn't by my own strength that I held on...that I demanded I wouldn't let go until I received the blessing. You gave me that strength. You surrounded me with people who wouldn't let me give up  - people who fought alongside me when I was too wounded and weak.

And that's where I sit now, Father. I've been fighting and wrestling with you here in this season of life. But like Jacob, I no longer want to let go without having received your blessing. 

You gave me that today. 

I felt that breakthrough. 

Like Jacob, I saw your face today. You stepped down from your throne. You embraced me as your child. You held my head in your strong arms. You looked me in the eyes...and you blessed me...with the most beautiful gift of your presence.

And the joy that is radiating from me now is an extension of that blessing.

You are faithful from the beginning to the end. 

Thank you for breaking me where it hurt the most. 

Thank you for wrestling with me instead of crushing me. 

Thank you for making your face to shine upon me...and for the incredible blessing of joy...

deep...deep...joy <3