We're All A Little Sick..

I woke up in a seated position with my heels crossed (my Junior Cotillions teacher would be so proud of that fact). I was dazed and confused - trying to remember where I was and what I was doing there.

I still had my dress on from the evening before. My make up was still covering my face, and my jewelry was all still neatly in place.

As my brain started waking up, images and memories of the night before just started swirling in my head. And as soon as they did, I felt sick.

Drinks at the hotel bar.

Drinks out in the town.

Shisha being passed around.

Inappropriate stares and glances.

...followed by inappropriate touches.

Being patronised like a child.

Strange men forcing us through the street.

A powerful strange man following us back to the hotel.

Being driven back out to the bar.

Inability to stand or walk straight.

Lots of dancing and flashing lights.

Even more inappropriate touches from the powerful men.

Desiring to leave and go home...

...but being ushered back to the same men.

dirty. used. hungover. worthless. cheap. powerless. sick.

Even though I can look back now and know there was absolutely no excuse for the way I was treated, touched, or handled, these were the words that ran over and over in my mind as images and feelings came pouring back into my head.

It was in this moment that I finally admitted out loud, "I need help."

I recently read this in one of the many books I'm using for some healing:

"Life had to become hopelessly unmanageable before she could 

admit that she needed help to overcome her addiction to pain."

That's exactly what was happening in this downward spiral, culminating in yet another night of finding a release and high in the only way I knew how.

One of the things I'm learning and understanding is how much of an impact anxiety and pain has had in the story that is my life so far. I've struggled with anxiety my whole life, I just didn't know it. And pain? Y'all - I spent YEARS trying to cover that stuff up and shove it down in hopes it would just disappear.

When I finally said the words 'I need help,' it came from a place of utter brokenness filled with shame, condemnation, and pure hopelessness. The months leading up to this moment had been overwhelming to say the least. On the outside, everything appeared fine.

Yet inside, I was numb. I had turned off all feeling, which I realise now is a skill I learned at such a young age. It's been incredibly useful at times, but now - it was leading to destruction. I was using nights like that one as a way to avoid my own pain, emptiness, fear, and anxiety.

Over the past few months, I'm learning the value in listening to my own feelings, my own needs, my own desires. I'm learning how important it is to have people surrounding you who truly love and listen to your heart - without trying to fix you or your situation.

Most importantly, I'm learning that the Gospel - God's overwhelming love and grace FREELY given - isn't conditional. I'm learning that there isn't one single thing I could do that would drive me out of His arms. I'm learning that He pursues His children full force.

I'm learning that even though I'm struggling with the anxiety, depression, panic attacks, and draw to self-medicate in ways that worked for so long - I still love Jesus with all of my heart.

He is teaching me that in being honest & real in these struggles, others can experience freedom. Instead of being judged by others, He's provided a community of people who welcome me in with open arms.

Because church isn't for perfect people. Church isn't for those who seem to have it all together.

Church is a place for the hypocrites and alcoholics and prostitutes and adulterers and convicts and pornography users and drug addicts and perfectionists and the prideful and strivers and {insert every other human quality here}.

Church is a place for the broken to come whether they experience healing this side of heaven or not.

As Jesus said,

"Healthy people don't need a doctor - sick people do." 

Luke 5:31

Let's stop pretending to be healthy, y'all. 
Let's stop pretending we don't need a doctor. 

So yea...I'm sick. You're sick. The world's sick - 

hence the need for our healer and redeemer Jesus, y'all...

The way we get to experience the presence of Jesus and His Spirit is by admitting we are sick. Don't miss the opportunity to meet with the true Healer by pretending you don't need Him...and let's welcome in those who are just as sick and in need of healing as we are.

In the tragedy, You grieve with me

Your comfort is my song

In my wondering, You're still rescuing

You will never, never give up