Wake Me Up

I planned on sleeping in this morning.

I hadn't got much sleep this past weekend, and I went to bed around 2 a.m. this morning. For those who know me well, that's college level kind of hours... So I took the morning off work with the intention of a restful, sleep filled morning.

But it didn't go as planned. At 6:30, I awoke with one thought: "Come and talk with me." I knew this was from the Lord - so I got up, got dressed, and walked to what's become my quiet place here in England.


Last night, I was shaken again. I experienced an intermingling of anxiousness, fear, insecurities, flashbacks, doubt - which all led to extreme nausea and a prideful heart that just pushed all of those down so no one would see anything but a smiling, happy face. I used to be SO good at this, but last night showed me {thankfully} that God's done amazing healing in my heart and mind. It wasn't as easy to turn my brain off, and my body wouldn't respond like it used to. I held back the tears until I got in my car to drive back to Bawtry.

That's when it all finally came out and I was able to feel some release. What I released to Him was that I feel like I am sleepwalking. I feel like I'm not fully awake - that He has more for me, yet He isn't giving it to me.

I feel like I have these blinders on my eyes and thoughts that keep me from seeing and experiencing more of the Spirit. It's as if this wall is built around me and I'm pushing so hard to get it to move, but it won't budge. I feel like I've been promised these great and amazing things, and He is showing me glimpses.

But the glimpses feel like teases. Because I can't break through the haze. I can't break through the wall separating me from the full gift that He wants to give. I can't seem to wake up from this dream and just REACH out to grab it. It seems so incredibly close, yet horribly far away. The worst part?

I feel like He is enjoying it. 

I feel like He is telling me that I'm not worthy of realising and capturing this gift. I'm not holy enough. I'm not clean enough. My story is too messy for it. My hands and heart and eyes are too dirty to receive this gift He freely gives to others.


It's hard to admit that's what I feel. It's hard to say those words because I know they aren't true. I can tell that's the enemy at work, seeking to make me forget my identity in Christ. I know it's a lie, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't effect me.

Last night, I cried out to Him and just felt that He wasn't there to answer. I keep praying and asking for more of this gift that He gives me glimpses of. I ask for healing and people to be saved. I pray for wisdom in all these situations I'm facing and going through - and it seems like He isn't answering.

This morning, as I sat outside in the woods, overlooking a little pond, I felt hopeless. I felt lost. I felt unloved and uncared for. But I wanted to fight those thoughts. I didn't want them to win out - my brain knows whose I am even if my heart doesn't feel it. So I decided to fight back.

I asked God to wake me up. I asked Him to remove these blinders from my eyes, and to wake me up to Him - to the freedom He offers to all. I wanted to wake up and experience the abundant life Jesus promised me. I wanted to wake up to the purpose He has for me in this life. I wanted to wake up and experience the Truth, not the lies that invade and cover my eyes and heart. I want to wake up and move forward.

These verses were my answer:

"And he humbled you and let you hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that he might make you know that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord....For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and springs, flowing out in the valleys and hills, a land..in which you will lack nothing..And you shall eat and be full, and you shall bless the Lord your God for the good land he has given you."

Deuteronomy 8:3-10

My God hasn't deserted me. He hasn't left me behind and He isn't teasing me. He doesn't see me as anything other than a daughter, bride, and friend. My Father is humbling me in this season of searching. He is letting my hunger for him grow - and it IS growing, I can feel it. My hunger for Him, not His gifts, is increasing tenfold. I realise now that my cries have started turning into cries for more of Him, more of His presence, more of His glory.

I know this cry and hunger to wake up to more of Him is only going to bring me into that good land, filled with water and streams and valleys and hills - where I lack nothing. 

When I started this journey several months ago, a friend told me this: 

"Trust God. 

It's the Spirit waking you up 

to His reality on your life." 

So that's what I'm going to do: Trust in Him, and expect Him to wake me up.