Maginificent Mess

Life is hard.  Life is confusing.  Life is challenging. 

To put it simply, life is just messy.  Things don't line up like we want them to.  Things don't fit perfectly into a box that we construct for them.

I used to believe I could fit God into a box (it sounds silly, I know....).  I used to think He fit perfectly into these ideals I had in my mind - never straying, always constant in all aspects of His character. Biblically, there are very clear, constant characteristics of our Father, yet there's also always an unknown to Him.  He is too big, too magnificent, too grand, too holy for us to ever fully comprehend.

Yet I always tried to keep shoving Him in this box in my mind of who I thought He should be.  I would have a constant battle in my mind as I tried to compare the 'boxed god' with my reality.  The past few weeks in England have been some of the most mentally exhausting and challenging.  It's not the culture that's hard, or leaving family and friends (although that's another kind of challenge).  For me, I've been trying to keep God in my perfect little organised box while He is just bursting out relentlessly.

One of the biggest areas I see the Lord trying to grow and stretch me is in regards to His amazing gift of the Holy Spirit.  The Spirit isn't really something we talk about much in the States, so I just kept him in a neat little corner of my box.  A useful, important part of the Trinity, but not something that was as tangible as Christ and God.  

Looking back, I think I was scared at the thought of letting the Spirit really leave that corner I had put him in.  I didn't understand it, which naturally leads to fear.

In missions work, the Spirit isn't something that you can ignore.  In fact, I'm learning that the Spirit is mission.  Through my church here in England as well as the class I took at the local Bible college, I've had my eyes and heart opened to the Spirit in new ways.  He has softened my heart in areas that were pretty hardened, I've had things spoken over me that no one knew I was praying about, and, most importantly, I've felt Him move in me.  I know it's different for everyone, but I get this goosebumpy, overwhelming, energising, yet peaceful feeling that radiates from my core.

I'm still trying to discern what all I believe and am reading and pursing the Bible's truth as much as I can.  For the first time, I'm on my own when it comes to really defending my beliefs.  I had so many amazing people back in the States that I went to for advice and knowledge.  Here, I feel like the Lord is pushing me to learn and grow on my own.  I'm reading commentaries, looking at the original language, and spending SO much time just praying to the Lord for wisdom and discernment on it all.

I hate not having things be black and white.  I like it to all be so clear:  this is right, this is wrong. This is exactly how it all works and there is no way around any of it.

But God isn't black and white.  He is full of colour and life and brilliant light! There are things that are clear about Him, but there are other areas in the Bible that don't tell us an exact answer.  It's in those areas that I wrestle now.

I wrestle with the not-knowing.  

I wrestle with the confusion.  

I wrestle with the unknown.  

I wrestle with the messiness.  

BUT... 

I rest in the fact that it's not messy in God's eyes.

I rest in the fact that He knows it all, so I don't need to. 

I rest in the fact that with Him, this messiness is so incredibly magnificent.