He Hears Us When We Call

These past couple of weeks have been crazy full of ups and downs.  It amazes me to see how much God continues to show me new things, making me stretch and grow into greater likeness to Him.  I am so very thankful for that growth, but it has been an emotional rollercoaster.

As I sit here now, I have just finished another one of my (now common) breakdown moments.  I used to never be this emotional!  I cried maybe once a month or so.  Now, it seems like everything sets me off.  I know there is a reason for this right now, but I still find it annoying...

I am blessed to have the opportunity to be working through a lot of things that I chose to ignore from my past.  If you read my last blog post, I am using the word "blessed" in that way - the way that is intended to describe those who mourn or are poor in spirit.  You know, all that good, fun blessing stuff!  I'm not ready to fully disclose what I'm working through, but I know the Lord has a great plan for it to be used in a way to glorify Him. 

To be honest, that is truly the only thing that keeps me going back - knowing that when I have to go back to those dark, traumatic places, it is all a step towards being able to relate to those who don't know Christ yet.  I am praying (and ask that you do as well) that God helps me to trust Him in this process, to not believe the lies that He wasn't there or didn't care about me when things were happening.  I know that it's ok to ask God where He was in those situations, and why He let me be treated certain ways.  We are told to bring our burdens to Him, to lay them at his feet, and to cry out to Him.    I can honestly say that in having to relive those dark times, I never felt further away from Christ - or further from this love that He has for me.  My body was shaking and I just felt numb.

But that's where God stepped in (in another moment of weakness).  In my crying out to Him, asking Him where He was and why He let me go through all of this, God sent an overwhelming sense of love and peace and tenderness into my heart again.  As promised in Scripture, He heard my cries.  He heard my questions and doubts and insecurities and fear of being let down, yet again.  I laid all the burdens of my heart before Him that night, and He answered me with His love and His presence.  He never leaves us alone in those moments.  He comes when we feel crushed in spirit, all so that He can receive even more glory!  It's in that moment, when He comes to us, that our eyes and hearts are just in awe of Him again, and we are able to truly love and fear Him as we always should. 

My questions as to why I had to go through these things never got answered.  I'm no longer expecting an answer for it, but instead, I am choosing to trust that God in fact knows much, much more than I do.  He knows every detail not only of my life, but others that I interact with as well.

All I hope and pray for is that I am able to heal emotionally from these things so that I have the opportunity to better be used by Him to make His name known among all the nations.  That is my source of encouragement and what gives me the strength to keep fighting this never ending battle against my own flesh, as well as the temporary god of this world. 

I am the Lord your God, I go before you now
I stand beside you, I'm all around you
Though you feel I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath
I am with you, more than you know
I am the Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you
Steady now your heart and mind, come into My rest
Oh, let your faith arise, lift up your weary head
I am with you wherever you go